Growing up, I wanted to believe in possibilities, rather than realities. I wanted to believe the best of people, that no one actually believed in war, or that no one would hurt other people for just money…there must have been something else. You might consider me an idealist. However, what happens when someone doesn’t just have a slant towards a positive outlook, but their entire worldview was formed within their own mind, rather than being based on anything in reality? For example, I think a real gamer is someone who has beaten all the Dark Souls games. Or any girl who I find attractive has no problems in life. Or that anyone who makes over 100k a year has no debt. Or that people who seem happy are or that people who don’t seem happy aren’t.

When I was 18 at Bard College in Upstate New York, I said to a group of students, “Isn’t it great that racism died with Martin Luther King?” I’ll never forget the look of horror on those kids’ faces. “What did you just say?” They asked. One of them was my roommate, who went on to found Brothers at Bard, an organization that provides positive role models and opportunity for men of color in higher education. You can only imagine how this guy reacted to my statement, it was negatively to say the least.

Take the franchise of Idolm@ster. It’s a game series where you play as a producer of idols, girls who dress and dance and sing for a primarily male audience, to raise them to be the greatest as they can be. Look at how cute they are from this video below.

From their hair, makeup, clothes, voices, posture, dance moves, singing ability, accessorizing, fashion, absolutely everything seems just perfect for them. Or is it? I believed for years that these girls had it all. For the video game girls, I was right, because they don’t exist. But for real idols in Japan, Korea, or wherever else, that’s not true, because perfection doesn’t exist for anyone. In real life, just a few of the problems they face are that they cannot date anyone, they can’t do anything that tarnishes their image of perfection, and they have to practice for countless hours so that they can be perfect when they go out to perform on stage. A lot of girls in this industry suffer from eating disorders, over exhaustion, and other issues found in the limelight. This is something I just simply didn’t consider.

Another thing I did in college was believe that the following video was an accurate depiction of Los Angeles.

I thought that if you went to LA, all your dreams would come true. When I got to college, a girl from Los Angeles told me, after rolling her eyes, that I’ve been brainwashed. Instead of a place “where dreams are made of,” more often, it’s a place where dreams go to die, more accurately depicted in the film LA LA LAND, which I didn’t see until years later. Even still, since I’ve never been there, I still refuse to believe that LA is anything less than that video there.

In 2022, I moved from Huntsville, AL to Tracy, CA, driving the whole way, in order to make enough money for me to fly to Norway for a girl I met online, or pay for her to fly to me. I stupidly believed that a girl I met online, regardless of the fact that we were obviously incompatible for each other, would fall in love with me. I fell in love with the fantasy of her body. I thought that if I’m super attracted to her, and she gives me the time of day, there must be a Disney-level romance between us. Because I want life to be a certain way, it has to be that way! Anything other than what I wanted was unacceptable. I didn’t care that I had to move in with someone that has been toxic to me for years. I didn’t care that she showed that she was narcissistic. I didn’t care that I couldn’t afford to drive across the country for a dream! I couldn’t afford to fail!

And yet I failed anyway.

The guy I moved in with kicked me out.

The job I worked there fired me for BS reasons.

The girl I fell in love with told me that it was over.

All within a week.

The dream that never was crashed down to reality. The guy I moved in with couldn’t tolerate me for long. The managers at that job set me up to get fired. The girl I thought I loved never loved me, there was never any love. Just lust. Both of us. It was all lust. Smoke and mirrors. Minimum wage may be higher, but you don’t go to California to magically fix your life, make hundreds of thousands of dollars, and do anything you’ve ever wanted. You still have to make your own luck, build marketable skills, possess high emotional intelligence, budget well, and do everything else that it takes to be successful in America. There are no cheat codes. I learned this. I learned it all the hard way. I had my pill of reality. And yet I still believe in fantastical things that don’t make any sense. Below are some of the things I still have to tell myself at 28.

Good gamers aren’t always good at life.

Pretty women don’t have everything they want.

Getting fired doesn’t make you a failure.

Things don’t go the way you want even if you want it really badly.

No one has it all figured out.

Rich people don’t have everything they want.

Relationships are just like in the movies.

Every meal I cook will not be a masterpiece.

Sci-fi isn’t always entertaining.

Someone’s social media is their highlight reel, not the full picture.

Travelling all the time doesn’t mean they have everything they want.

My assumptions about science, history, sociology, psychology, the news, film, problems in the world, and every other discipline is WRONG unless I can link my understandings about the facts reality with my conception of reality.

The world is not what I think it should be, the world is what it is.

To be honest with you all, I’m tired of making wrong assumptions. I’m tired of being the guy who asks a million questions but knows nothing. I wish I was smarter. I wish I had more to offer the world than being a good friend and my passion for the things I enjoy (which is very few things…probably one of my autistic traits). Yes, I feel like I only offer two things to the world. Sometimes I wish I could shut myself off from the world to do nothing but read up on every discipline until I know things. I feel like everyone knows more than I do. But, sitting here and putting myself down isn’t going to help. I just wanted to get this off my chest.

Where can I go from here?

I know assumptions are wrong, but I can start a healthy assumption. I’ll start assuming that everything I assume is incorrect, unless I’ve researched or thought about my position deeply. I believe that I’m an intelligent guy. I can start learning about the world with a child-like wonder. If I want to make an assumption, I can just challenge it. If I want to be super idealistic, there’s nothing wrong with that, but I can go down the rabbit hole of research to understand if that’s something that’s possible. For example, I’d like to believe that a world government is possible, where there’s a ruler that is respected by every country to help resolve smaller disputes. Instead of saying, “Yes, that is possible.” I can start asking questions, like, “What would have to happen for that to be a viable option? Do we have examples in history of a government that oversees multiple countries? If so, how did they fare? What are the governments for big government in countries other than the US? What are the pros and cons of big government? Based on that information, what are reasonable scenarios where a world government is possible? Could war bring us together, or does that rift us apart? Why don’t all countries respect the UN? How would this ‘world government’ be different than the UN? Can North Korea be convinced to open their borders? Would they listen to anyone?” After researching the answers to these questions, I could probably make an argument for or against the idea of a world government, complete with reasons.

Through that past example, I realized that I’m not stupid. I can think well. I just need to apply that level of analysis to my everyday assumptions. There’s no point in harrowing over the fact that I went to California, had a bad time, and had to return to Alabama. I learned from my mistakes. I know that I live in a fantasy world. If I’m aware of the problematic and incorrect nature of my assumptions, I can begin challenging the way I see the world. Over time, I can have an idealistic worldview grounded in reality.

You’re probably wondering why I was so open about all of this. I’m this transparent for that one person who may feel trapped by their own mind. Who feel like they can never change. If they live in a fantasy world, they always will. But I want to let you know how I thought my way out of this and what I’m going to do to change.

A lot of people like to share advice. I hope to get to that point one day too. But I also think it’s valuable to just be open about our failures, so that someone who is struggling can understand that they are not alone. Thanks for reading.